Black swan theory

In the United States of America the month of April symbolizes a month of autism acceptance. On an international basis, which includes Belgium of course, this is limited to International Autism Awareness Day on April 2nd. So, to make myself feel better about not writing this piece earlier, I'll go by the American rules to share how I've experienced living with my autism spectrum disorder. The way I wrote that makes it look like I'm talking about some roomie I share my apartment with. That's not the case. Even though I share my apartment with a couple of beings, those being my husband and two kitties, my autism is just part of my very own being. No no no, this isn't a Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde kind of situation: I am autistic. I didn't know I was until I got a diagnosis last year after going through a depression and a burnout. Most people can't tell that I deal with autism because I come across as very cheerful and outgoing.

The Swan Princess by Mikhail Vrubel (1900)

Before I got my diagnosis I'd noticed that my colleagues would treat me differently and I never understood why. One such memorable moment was when someone I worked with got so mad at me for asking too many questions about her personal life. Little did I know my prying was so annoying to her because after telling me to "shut up and focus on the job" she went to the foreman to complain about me. Subsequently we never worked a shift together again. I thought it was quite tactless of her to do that, but now I understand that she must've let me know in some way which I didn't understand how she didn't want me to talk to her. Some time later, I started getting muscle aches in my arms and neck. The pain was too much for me; I couldn't lift my own head for more than an hour at a time. Doctors couldn't find the cause so naturally they treated the symptoms with physiotherapy and pain medication. This helped me be able to continue working but my husband and I had decided that it was best for us to move elsewhere and change jobs to aid my healing. Everything was going better until the pandemic started and I got laid off. I saw this as an opportunity to take my time and look for a job I really wanted to do. A couple months later I found a job as a federal administrative clerk. It didn't work out perfectly so I left for a different federal entity. And then the same thing happened - and again after that. Yeah, it was quite hard hopping from job to job like a bunny that just can't find its footing.

The Threatened Swan by Jan Asselijn (1650)

Eventually I did learn what my issues were and what red flags to look out for in a work environment. My previous job had so many that I almost stopped working altogether. This resulted in a ten-page letter I wrote to HR documenting the struggles I dealt with (yeah, my writing is literally a creative outlet). I did this because I'd realized, by trying to look inwards from the outside, it wasn't all on me. I operated like a surgeon using my literary scalpel on myself dissecting anything I'd experienced as if I was a mere subject of an experiment. This dissection led to me believing there was more than the post-traumatic stress disorder caused by my parents. I started reading about how PTSD can bring out symptoms similar to autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Subsequently I was dead set on figuring out whether I had one of these disorders. This led to me looking for a diagnostician that could help me out. On the way I discovered how a lot of them operate under a system that preys on people looking for answers. Luckily mine wasn't like that and we only did the necessary tests: one for each disorder. Honestly, after taking the tests I was so convinced I didn't have any of them. So when he called me a week later to inform me of the fact that I had both, it made break out in tears.

Swan Princess by John Bauer (1908)

Me crying was a mix of sadness and relief; finally I had an answer - I'd completed the proverbial puzzle! My sadness stemmed from the realization that I'd been wronged by people who saw my vulnerability and abused it. It even shed a new light on strange behavior I displayed when growing up. It also made me feel even more neglected by my parents. After some time I tried to let that hurt go. I started focusing more on the fact that me having ASD and ADHD just meant I deal with things differently. Some of the ways this expresses itself are struggling to process my emotions, not showing how much I suffer when trying to fit in and my difficulties focusing. I'd fabricated this mask that helped me perform desired behavior and, luckily, I can take it off whenever I want now without being judged for it. My current environment allows me to do this. Besides a loving husband who accepts me for who I am and strives to help me be my best self, I also have a very comforting workplace atmosphere. My colleagues are caring, patient and very tolerant. This was the polar opposite of co-workers in the past. I went from dreading to go to work to enjoying it and even, dare I say, looking forward to it.

The Swan Maidens by Walter Crane (1894)

For some reason I couldn't, and still can't, relate to how other women describe dealing with autism. Then my psychiatrist lent me a book by Josine Bouwmans (only available in Dutch) in which she analyzes how she's dealt with her ASD and ADHD over the years. She even included a schematic diagram that shows how her ASD influences her ADHD and vice-versa. I always visualize this diagram when I'm struggling and have the feeling that I have some kind of mental block. In a way, it helps me recontextualize. After reading this book it just clicked with me that everybody with a neurodivergence is just different: autism is ultimately a spectrum disorder meaning there's wide variations in its severity and its symptoms. This, combined with the fact that it's hard for us to relate to things, makes it difficult for people with ASD to feel represented in media. And if we take the possible comorbidities, like ADHD, OCD and epilepsy (there are way more), into account, the task becomes nigh impossible for anyone to paint a proper picture of a person with a neurodivergence. However, even though we don't feel represented, any form of media representation on neurodiversity is still a way to start the conversation.

Thank you, and take care.